Comments on: Chapter 7: Deliverance – part 13

By: Natalie Ford

Natalie Ford — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 03:36:58 +0000

Hope you don’t mind me reporting typos?

“Lightening flashed in the tiny storm as it twined into the vial.”

I think you mean ‘lightning’ unless the vial/storm are getting lighter (i.e. lightening)?

By: Natalie Ford

Natalie Ford — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 03:29:32 +0000

I remember what the Chairmen/women remind me of! Wolfram and Hart in Angel!

By: nancy

nancy — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:43:48 +0000

Thanks for your enthusiastic comment! I’m writing this chapter by the seat of my pants, so no hurrying, I’m afraid.

By: Caribbean Belle

Caribbean Belle — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:33:13 +0000

anxiously awaiting the next installment…sigh can’t it hurry up??!!!…by the way frickin love this..all of it..hehe

By: nancy

nancy — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 01:46:24 +0000

Nope, not offended. I had a feeling that that bit of dialog was too “on the nose.” Decided to use it anyway. Thanks for the concrit.

By: nancy

nancy — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 01:45:31 +0000

You’ll see what the spirit is for on Friday.

By: nancy

nancy — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 01:45:00 +0000

We shall see. And yes, Joon would be an excellent addition to their arsenal (so to speak).

By: nancy

nancy — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 01:44:20 +0000

Woo! Thanks for the comment.

By: Seth

Seth — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 00:01:32 +0000

Hope you don’t mind a little constructive criticism…

This section:

>Almeida eyed the Matron. “The one meant to antagonize them?”
>
>“To amplify their aggression and irritability, yes,”

… seems a little weak. It’s too obvious, perhaps? There’s nothing wrong with leaving us guessing at what they did. Just hint.

These people are the ultimate powers in a mega corporation populated with magicks and telepaths… yet one of them had to be reminded of exactly what their most recent (failed) plan was, even though that’s what they’ve come together to discuss?

Do you see what I mean? The dialogue just doesn’t seem realistic. Be more subtle.

I hope you’re not offended by my bluntness.

By: daymon

daymon — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:22:25 +0000

Ah, so they were trying to push them apart. That was what the witches needed the hairs for.

Now I wonder what this spirit is suppost to do.